What about me?

We took pictures of all our kids at East Rock a while back to hang on the wall. My favorite picture is of Savion. Full of character, it captures him. The most telling is probably of his brother Kashawn, unable to focus long enough to actually look at the camera for me to take the picture.

This past week I suffered from a kidney stone. The pain is unlike anything else I’ve ever known. I cried out in pain, first in screams, then in prayer. I asked the Lord to make the pain stop. I then asked to make it stop right away. It didn’t. I then asked for him to reveal to me if sin in my life was causing these stones. He responded by asking me why was this the only time I cried out to him with this much passion and fervor. In my prayers I expect results. I know the Lord hears my prayers and tells me He will answer. But somehow my prayer this night was different. My heart cried out as much if not more than my voice. I deeply desired the pain to subside and I begged and pleaded for that like there was no tomorrow. It had all of my attention and focus. “When you pray for these kids, why does it never sound like this?” I heard. Why was my heart never bent on achieving such immediate results? Why did I never pray for them with such fervor and fury? The Lord had caught and won my attention. My prayers for each kid deepened. Lord, soften the hard heart of Savion. Break the strong will of Kashawn.

When Sunday came around I was excited to see the kids. Excited to tell them I had lifted them up before the Lord. I had looked back through the pictures and prayed for each one by name. I told Kashawn and he smiled and asked, “Really?” Then I told Trevon and Raquan. But there were more kids around. “What about me? What about me? What about me?” Several I’ve now known for only two weeks and barely know their name. I looked at one, named either TJ or DJ, I cant tell the young brothers apart yet, “No, but I will this week.” And I meant it. In a brand new way I meant it. I will not just mention his name so I can say that I did. I will petition before the Lord on his behalf. I will ask God to call him to His name. That he can leave this world behind and cling fast to the Lord.

We pray more for things that mean the most to us. It was easy to pray for my pain to cease because I love myself very well. But the Lord revealed his heart to me that night. His heart is for people and I am to love them like he does. And the best way I can start is by lifting them up to Him.

Ziyun (pronounced Zion)

What a sweetheart. I get great joy walking to her door to pick her up. I know that when the door opens a smile awaits. A few weeks ago while dropping her off the skies were releasing rain with great fury. I tucked Ziyun under my arm and ran swiftly to her doorstep. I sat her down and there was that wonderful smile. She loved it. Next time I picked her up I again tucked her under my arm and ran quickly to the van. That same smile reappeared and a routine started. For a couple of weeks I did this. After a long night I simply picked her up and walked to her door. When I got there she asked if I was sick or hurt. “No sweetie” I replied, “Why do you ask?” She simply smiled. “You wanted me to run didn’t you?” Somehow her big smile grew. Nothing deep. Nothing profound. You just never know what kind of joy your smile might bring to someone.

Kashawn

I must say that I have fallen in love with my kids that I pick up on Wednesdays for church. They make me quite happy. Some make me want to pull my hair out. One that does both is a kid named Kashawn. With his sweet little heart he will cuddle up in my lap and tell me he loves me. He will reach up with his small hands and play with my beard. And then he will lean in and kiss my cheek. And when he doesn’t get his way he will cross his arms and hang his head. He will look at me and declare, “I don’t like you” with enthusiasm. When I push more him he squints his eyes and tell me he hates me. Then I’ll show up at his school and he runs into my arms. His classmates see me and say, “There’s Kashawn’s dad” because that’s how he introduced me. And that’s the cycle. Some days are great with endless smiles and other have endless frustrations as I have the physically restrain him as he tries to punch, kick and bite. Loving him is hard. It takes effort. It takes patience. It takes endurance. All given to me graciously by God. I ask for it to love Kashawn and he freely gives, because He knows what it takes to love me.